One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless
Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this
was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather
died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's
prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day,
the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the
situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless
Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart
attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early
and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after
midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with
his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on
the porch this morning!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may 'be' alittle biased, but most are "FACT!"
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character. & gray hair!

12. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the d**n time.

18. "Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds."

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. (carry-on)

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.[[ "NO I DON"T!"

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
and it's sexy!

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.[IFa man is driving

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
{work, casual & muddy}

26. You can quietly watch a sports event with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.


30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
( not soo )

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. [ A lifetime]

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
me no belly thank goodness!

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.[leaves cash for the necessary stuff]

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes. $ STORE

37. The world is your urinal. & ash tray!

RE: What Do You Do For Christmas
Posted by Professor X on Dec 24, 2009 05:03

Ok; it's funny, in a satirical manner, if you don't mind the stereotype. As far as satire goes:
With what has become of our (pretty much non-existant) manufacturing base, there must be millions of Chinese jews.
Reply to: 1STSGT

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves.... And begin to sing: “What A. Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

ONE MORNING 3 ALABAMA GOOD OLD BOYS AND 3 YANKEES WERE IN A TICKET LINE AT THE BIRMINGHAM TRAIN STATION HEADING TO ATLANTA FOR A BIG FOOTBALL GAME.

THE 3 NORTHERNERS EACH BOUGHT A TICKET AND WATCHED AS THE 3 SOUTHERNERS BOUGHT JUST ONE TICKET AMONG THEM.

"HOW ARE THE 3 OF YOU GOING TO TRAVEL ON ONE 1 TICKET?" ASKED ONE OF THE YANKEES.

"WATCH AND LEARN" ANSWERED ONE OF THE BOYS FROM THE SOUTH.

WHEN THE 6 TRAVELERS BOARDED THE TRAIN, THE 3 YANKEES SAT DOWN, BUT THE 3 SOUTHERNERS CRAMMED INTO A BATHROOM TOGETHER AND CLOSED THE DOOR.

SHORTLY AFTER THE TRAIN DEPARTED, THE CONDUCTOR CAME AROUND TO COLLECT TICKETS.

HE KNOCKED ON THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SAID, "TICKETS PLEASE." THE DOOR OPENED JUST A CRACK AND A SINGLE ARM EMERGED WITH A TICKET IN HAND. THE CONDUCTOR TOOK IT AND MOVED ON.

THE YANKEES SAW THIS HAPPEN AND AGREED IT WAS QUITE A CLEVER IDEA. INDEED, SO CLEVER THAT THEY DECIDED TO DO THE SAME THING ON THE RETURN TRIP AND SAVE SOME MONEY.

THAT EVENING AFTER THE GAME WHEN THEY GOT TO THE ATLANTA TRAIN STATION, THEY BOUGHT A SINGLE TICKET FOR THE RETURN TRIP WHILE TO THEIR ASTONISHMENT THE 3 SOUTHERNERS DIDN'T BUY EVEN 1 TICKET.

"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRAVEL WITHOUT A TICKET?" ASKED ONE OF THE PERPLEXED YANKEES.

"WATCH AND LEARN", ANSWERED ONE OF THE SOUTHERN BOYS.

WHEN THEY BOARDED THE TRAIN THE 3 NORTHERNERS CRAMMED THEMSELVES INTO A BATHROOM AND THE 3 SOUTHERNERS CRAMMED THEMSELVES INTO THE OTHER BATHROOM ACROSS FROM IT.

SHORTLY AFTER THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE, ONE OF THE SOUTHERNERS LEFT THEIR BATHROOM AND WALKED QUIETLY OVER TO THE YANKEE'S BATHROOM. HE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND SAID "TICKET PLEASE".
THERE'S JUST NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH TO EXPLAIN HOW THE YANKEES WON THE WAR.

My kind of a cop.

TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK


Only
in Texas my friends... Only in Texas .. Too bad......

A lawyer runs
a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is
smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that
he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to
prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's
expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration,
please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy
says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then
the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still
didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration,
please'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The
difference is that you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License
and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you
can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my
license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and
don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your
vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out
his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you
want me to stop or just slow down ?'

This message has been edited. Last edited by: terry,

POTATO PROSTITUTE





Potato Prostitute


Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute..

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...



It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

Husband Down"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Michelle added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,

“Such big-shots back there. I could throw *all of them out of the
window* and
make 56 million people *very, very* happy!”

THIS ONE IS FOR Dinger & Retired!
Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:

"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

"You're in a balloon!"

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

"That man must be a manager."

"Why?"

"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"

Thanks, terry.

YEH! I bet

sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING:




We had to have the garage door repaired.


The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.


I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.


He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.


He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."


We haven't used Sears repair since.








IDIOT SIGHTING:




My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.


Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money."


I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."


She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.


I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing."


The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.






IDIOT SIGHTING:




I live in a semi-rural area.


We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.


The reason: "To many deer are being hit by cars out here!


I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."




From Kingman, KS .






IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:






My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.


She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'


He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.




From Kansas City








IDIOT SIGHTING:






I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?"


To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"


He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."




Happened in Birmingham , Ala.








IDIOT SIGHTING:






The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.


I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.


She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.


I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.


Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"






She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS .










IDIOT SIGHTING:






I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker.


She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'


Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."


Not another word was spoken.


We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare.






This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.








IDIOT SIGHTING:






I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand
why her system would not turn on.


A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.










IDIOT SIGHTING:






When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.


We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.


As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.


"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"


His reply, "I know - I already got that side."




This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ...










I love this one! :






When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii.


I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"


I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge."


He nodded his head and said "Cool!"










STAY ALERT!


They walk among us...


they REPRODUCE...


and they VOTE...
This ain't no lie folks, I was one of them in the last election!

I saw this joke awhile back and the above conversation reminded me of it -- no offense meant to the conversation above - REALLY!

The economy is so bad that ...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

Finally someone that posts almost as much as I do....(Global Moderator)

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
(bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be
in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.'