Terry - do you mind posting jokes here. I don't want to have to look allover for them.

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Cook some food

Don’t Owe You Anything

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.

A 5 minute management course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way..

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone..

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer's evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

”I can handle that without a problem," she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was beautiful!
At the wedding dinner after the ceremony, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!

IMPOSSIBLE !! Said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a short while and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar..'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

I hang up on them , what do you do?

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right Thar).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife. 'Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at
that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says,'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.

Just "got" this 1 ~~~~ "gota" share it:

Your Duck is
Dead:


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a
moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed
away."


The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the
vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I
mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador
Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the
room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped
on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head
to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a
dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The
duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my
duck is dead!?"


The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just
taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20,
but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.

Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

If only this was true, I'd be as happy as the farmer




Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and

the car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the

chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'



The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead,

but it was old.


'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.


Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair

ruffled, with a big grin on his face.



'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.


The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best

bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made

love to me.'



'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy.



'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to

them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A Senator

Husband Store



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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Sorry ladies, more truth than fiction!

SENIORS GETTING MARRIED

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about
their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS
Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the
counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: Definitely".

Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for or
Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely".

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure
do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds
and sizes..."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure..."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Rude and Arrogant Americans
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window